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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.
We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off of the Empire State Building.
He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Someone stole my mood ring,
I don’t know how I feel about that.
I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
